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Life was great! I had a loving family. A brother that loved me and his sister. A father that provided for us, was a preacher, and loved us. A mother that loved us unconditionally. Everything was what you could ever dream for in a family. Until a couple years ago.....my mom and dad started arguing a lot. My dad never paid any attention to me...it was always my brother. My brother was a football player. And my dad was his coach. My dad worked him to the bone..it was all about him. Making my brother pursue this dream that my father never could. My sister, all she wanted was for people to accept her for who she was..when she never realized that she was so beautiful and she didn't need people's approval. Me...well now that's a different story. My parents eventually divorced...I made it seem like I didn't care...when inside I was falling apart. What happened to the family we used to be? Or was that all and illusion? My parents told me it wasn't my fault..and I knew that.But what I didn't know is that the divorce was killing me. For months I acted as if I was ok. But I was furious with my dad. I hated him so much for hurting my mom. Then blaming it on something so stupid. I eventually got depressed..I was in 7th grade at the time. I wasn't the happy girl I used to be. I was so stressed..all the time. I eventually started thinking of cutting.I wanted to do it, but I couldn't. I had to stay strong for my mother.
The summer came and things got a little better...or so I thought. It was the first day of 8th grade. I had moved to South Carolina..me and my mom left my father back in Texas. We wanted to start a new life together. On the first day, I met this girl. We immediately became best friends! I had made the volleyball team. Everyone was so nice. But I started fading as the year went on. I felt more emotionless and tired. I spent all my time in my room. I started feeling depressed again. I started getting angry very easily and became so sensitive. Every time I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw. "I want to be skinnier", was all I thought. I had already developed anxiety when I lived in Texas...and it made things worse. I started hating myself...to the point were I punished myself for making mistakes. I would come home everyday from school with a fake smile on my face so my mom wouldn't worry. Then I would go to my room and pull out my blade. I told myself that I couldn't let down people..I had always told my friends to never self harm but here I was doing it. But I didn't care. I wanted to feel pain. I slashed my skin. Feeling the blood trickle down my arm felt so good. I loved it. So I kept doing it everyday. I was going to church. Actually I've been in a Christian home since I was born. Every time I went to church I felt nothing..guilt was trying to knock me over in defeat. But I wouldn't let it. I wanted to suffer. I wanted to cut. I felt good...but after months and months I felt that it wasn't working. It wasn't giving me the happiness I once had with it. In the back of my head I knew why. It was God. He was telling me that he was the answer. I wanted to push it away but it was no good. He cared for me so much that he would let me go. I went to church that next Sunday and listened to the sermon. I Didn't get anything out of it. I was just about to give up on my life. But then something inside of me told me to talk to the pastor. So me and my desperate self did. I wanted to be healed so bad! I walked up to him and just let it all out. I was sobbing. I told him what was going on and he just smiled...he told me that he was so glad that I came to him...because his daughter went through something very similar. He walked me to her. She was very pretty...she was 16. Very close to my age. I'm 13 so when he brought me to her I thought, " what can a 16 year old do?"
She started talking to me..she blew my mind. You could tell when she talked she loved the Lord. She helped me so much! When I was about to go she hugged me and told me to throw away my blades. I was determined! I got home aaaand bam! I felt depressed again...and I was so tired of it. I pulled out my blades. She told me to throw them away...but I couldn't. I sat on my bed and cut again. But this time I was angry. Angry at the world. I went to bed sad that night..like all the others...like nothing changed. That morning my mom told me that she wanted me to go to church on Wednesday. I agreed. Wednesday came. And it forever changed my life. I walked in the church sad. I felt worthless... I felt like I was wasting my time. My youth pastor preached a mini sermon then said whoever needs to can come to the alter and pray. The pastors daughter asked me if I wanted to..because I was already tearing up. I said no. Then a few minutes later she said are you sure? I will go with you! At that moment I made the most important decision of my life. I nodded and she lead me up to the alter. We bent down and she prayed for me. I wept like a baby for 30 minutes while she was praying..I listened to the prayer..then she whispered in my ear. She said, "I feel like God is telling me to tell you this. You will make it through this. He has this plan for you that is all you could ever want. You just have to trust him and let go." And I did. I let go. Of cutting, discriminating myself, being angry. The love of Christ consumed me. I also went to Door of hope 4 teens. They helped tremendously..I'm telling my life story because I want to encourage others that self harm is not the answer..God is. He is and always will be. He loves you and in his eyes you are perfectly and wonderfully made!
Written by Grace